Is it just drinks? Just dinner? Or is it a date?

Recently, I received this email from one of my best friends:

"Ok, so i didn't know if it was a date from the asking out stage due to the fact that boat boy and i are (were?!) friends and have done tons of stuff in groups and hung out just the 2 of us a few times. he left a vm saying, "comedian xxx will be playing the local theater in 3 weeks. let me know if you want to go, i'm getting tickets." yeah, totally vague and three weeks out?! it wasn't until i met him at the restaurant and realized it was just the two of us (and the fact that he actually did his hair) that it was a date. but never actually felt like a date the entire night. he didn't touch me once and not a single compliment! seriously, i should of showed up in my pajamas and with rumpled hair and no make-up...."

One of the most confusing social engagements for the modern girl is the casual meet up.  You meet someone through work, at a friend's birthday dinner, or on your kickball team.  You start chatting about movies, books, or travel and suddenly, you realize both of you have a lot in common.    But it all feels pretty platonic.  He asks if you want to grab a drink or dinner or catch a concert sometime.  Clearly, it must be a date.  But, yet it felt platonic.  How do you tell the difference?

Well, if you show up and he starts by mentioning his girlfriend, boyfriend, or wife it is immediately clear.  If only we could all be so lucky.  Usually, the conversation flows in the same manner it did when you first met, and there isn't always an opportunity to bring up relationship status.  So when you get to the end of evening, the question becomes to hug or to kiss?


I polled a couple of my favorite guys and asked for pointers on how you can tell if a meet up is platonic or a date.  Here's what they had to say:

If you (the girl) are about to have dinner with someone you've known for awhile and consider them to be a friend, but they want it to be something more here are some clues you should be on the lookout for before meeting up:

-Is the location a nicer place than where you typically meet up?
-Do you usually eat in groups but now its just the two of you?
-Do you usually meet at a location, but now you are carpooling?
-Is it spur of the moment or planned in advance?

Once you are in the midst of dinner or drinks, look for these clues:

-Is he/she dressed up more than usual?
-What is he/she ordering to drink?  Splitting a bottle of wine can seem romantic, where getting a pint of beer seems very buddy/buddy. (Of course this is subjective to the meal and where you are meeting.)
-What is he/she ordering to eat?  Are they ordering to impress the other party?

The big thing that both guys agree on is the conversation.  What is being said?  Is the girl being more flirty than usual?  Is he or she talking about people they are currently dating?  Or digging for clues about where you are at relationship-wise?

Now if a guy, who happens to be a friend AND super shy asks you to dinner, consider that he may be trying to show that he likes you.  It took a lot of guts for him even ask you out.  A lot of girls that I am friends with are very cynical about the shy guy, because they think, if a guy likes you...he's going to get over his nerves, fears, and shyness.  But the more I discuss this with the guys in my life, I have found that it really doesn't matter if you are a girl or a guy, insecurities and shyness make it difficult to express interest in someone you like.

So...if that shy guy makes the effort to ask you to drinks, dinner, or a movie, AND you like him, but aren't sure.  Give him a break, and make an effort to show that you like him too.

Here is what the shy guys suggest:

-Try to be slightly flirty (which doesn't mean rip off all your clothes and immediately jump into bed...have some control!)
-Touching their arm
-Laughing at their lame jokes
-Showing that you are interested (Duh!)

All of these tips seem pretty obvious.  But sometimes, its just plain hard to tell what the other person is thinking and you don't want to misjudge the situation.  In which case, the best thing to do is to just flat out ask, "Is this a date?"  I know its totally awkward, and honestly I tend more towards playing games, and creating "what if" scenarios in my head.  But if you want clarity... the direct approach is without a doubt the best way to go.