Dating Dilemma - What is the most unusual date you've ever been on?

Sorry guys, I'm a bit late with this.  Got tied up with a fascinating music appreciation course from Yale open learning.


So the other day, while passing a cemetery, I had a flashback to a night almost 14 years ago, when I was out on a first date with the boy who would become my Freshman Year boyfriend.  After a lovely dinner at the Iowa River Power Company (one of the fancier restaurants in Iowa City) he asked what I wanted to do next, and me being a quirky ingenue (at least in my opinion) immediately suggested we pay a visit to the Black Angel in the local cemetery.  Clearly he liked me, as he obliged and off we went.  Although it wasn't the best date ever, its unique-ness made it memorable and something that comes back to me every time I pass a cemetery.


This week's survey question: What is the most unusual date you've ever been on?


HL:I was just supposed to go out to dinner with this guy and then he told me he forgot something back at his house and we drove far away to his farm and I had to meet his parents and it was like the 2nd or 3rd date.  It was so awkward, because I think his plan was for me to meet his parents.


NW: I instructed my annoying date to wait outside on a park bench while i shop at old navy for an hour.  (He waited, and yes, it was the first date, and yes the was the first time we'd ever hung out) and do you know that fool had the NERVE to ask me why i wasn't going to kiss him at the end of the date? and proceeded to call me days later asking why I didn't want to go out again?


LL: This isn't crazy for LA, but friends in other parts of the country find it weird to screen movies at a cemetary.  I did have a date to one of those.  Other then that it's been the pretty standard dinner and movie or an improv comedy show.


NJ: I once told a guy that there was a house for sale I really wanted to see, but that no one ever called me back when I left a message with the broker. So he hopped the fence, picked the lock and got me in the house. 

Another time in college I went cemetery hopping. From the outside it seems weird, but our school was known for them – so much so that History, Discovery and Sci-Fi came to do the very same thing on a regular basis. Still not really a conventional date though.



BS: I went on a third or maybe fourth date to a wrestling pay per view event.  I had tickets with a friend and he couldn't go at the last minute, so the girl I was kind of seeing at the time went even though she had never seen wrestling before.  She loved it!  WE sat next to an older couple who also were not wrestling fans, but had just come for something to do.  I filled everyone in on the storylines all night, and they kept buying us drinks.  It was a good time.

Dating Dilemma - What are the best/worst pickup lines you have used/heard?

I was out with the girls at El Chavo, last Friday night, celebrating Eric's birthday.  After the restaurant closed, he took over the space, brought in a DJ and had a big dance party.  It was a lot of fun AND the perfect opportunity for us to meet new people.   Unfortunately, we had to siphon thru a few drunken DBs before meeting some quality, new friends.

Upon introducing himself to me, one of the drunks proclaimed, "What kind of work do you do?  You must be a model, because you are HOT!"  Stinky beer breath and slurring words aside, there was no way I'd ever fall for a line like that from this middle-aged hot mess.  As I quickly ducked out of his sight (trying hard to dodge the bullet of having a longer conversation with him), I started to think about all the great and horrible pickup lines I had heard over the years.   So this weeks survey question is: What are the best/worst pickup lines you have used/heard?

BS: My friend, the degenerate, likes to use the line: "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"  It's a great ice breaker and tends to get the girl talking.
JB: The cheesiest/silly lines usually get the girl to talk to you, although if the girl actually falls for any of them, she probably isn't very smart. "Is that Windex in your pants because I can see myself in them."  Or the guy grabs a girl's shirt from the back and she asks, "What are you doing?" And he responds, " Looking for the made in Heaven tag."
JH: "You look bored."  (If she says she is, you're in!  If she says she isn't, you walk away, and didn't actually hit on her.)
HL: "I like your dress!"....The guy that said it to me made me want to find him and talk to him.
MS: The worst Match.com headline I ever saw: "A boy can love a million woman but it takes a man to love a woman a million ways." - Yuck!
BS: I don't use pickup lines, but my I've heard guys use the "my friend thinks you're hot!" line.
AA: Best Line (disclaimer I saw this on Jay Leno, but think it is great) "Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?"  Answer: "Enough to break the ice!"
Worst Line: "Want to get a schnitzel and go back to my bungalow?" (courtesy of a backpacker in Thailand.)
NJ:Best (maybe I just loved it because I got such a good laugh or because the guy was so handsome he literally glistened):
Boy: "Hey NJ, how ya been?"
Girl:"Good, but tired.  You?"
Boy: "Tired, too.  Maybe we should sleep together some time."
Worst lines: - Man, there sure are a lot...
Guy in a bookstore: "Hey baby, I'd sure like to flip your pages." (I gave him a dirty look) "I guess I'd better check myself before I wreck myself, huh, sweetie?"
Guy in a bar: "Are you looking for a man who's extraordinary in every way?  Because you just found him."

Dating Dilemma - What are your deal breakers?

Last night, I was having drinks with a group of old friends.  When one of the guys mentioned that he had been dating a girl for a few weeks, before she let him in on a little secret...she is a professional dominatrix.  He acted cool and took it all in stride and on some level probably enjoyed it.  But it got me thinking about deal breakers.  What personality quirks or social habits would be the end-all for a new relationship?


My deal breakers are pretty simple and common:
-self-chosen ignorance towards people, cultures, and the environment.
-rudeness towards service people (waitstaff, valets, gardeners, shopkeepers, etc)
-lacking an interest to try new things, visit new places, taste new foods
-inability to spend time doing their own thing (lack of a hobby)
-smokers, spitters, and alcoholics need not apply


Of course I had to ask a few of my friends about what they wouldn't put up with.  Here are the answers to this weeks email survey:


LL:  Short temper and littering (I think it says a lot about a person if they are willing to litter...just a lack of respect and expecting someone else to clean up there crap and I am not that person. :)  I'm not a smoker, but was willing to keep hanging out with this guy because he didn't throw his cigarette butt out the window...he kept it in his ash tray and cleaned it out when we parked he passed by a trash can. And you could tell it was something he always did, not something he just did because I was around...I was impressed.)

NJ: I'm free of all predjudice, I date men equally - so long as they don't talk like women, wear skinny jeans or eyeliner. The one caveat may be that I do try to avoid guys under 6ft. I'm a tall girl. It's not a deal breaker, but the poor chap really would have to work that much harder in my book.
 (This is all assuming he's not a criminal, in a relationship already, homeless or Michael Vick).  

NW:  bad hygiene, rude behavior,general lack of intellect/desire for more knowledge/ignorance
blatant homophobia/racism/prejudice (i guess that's rude behavior)
slapping my ass i public when you don't know me ;-) - again, i suppose this is covered under the rude clause, and yes, that one JUST happened to me recently.  

HL: I'm pretty open minded, but it would definitely be hard for me to date someone without a job or someone without a car. Yeah. Those are mine off the top of my head. 

AA: They have to have hobbies/do something (I don't care if we share hobbies or what his hobbies are--as long as it's not only video games--the dude needs to do something with his free time). Needs to be smarter than me, must have a passport, must have goals of some sort (sorta goes back to the hobby thing), cannot have something inherrently wrong/be creepy or weird/not an axe murder! Must be slightly eccentric (everyone in my life whom I really love spending time with is a bit eccentric)

Dating Dilemma - Where to meet a guy/girl?

The New Year is finally here and with it comes new beginnings.  I thought this week, I would put out a random survey to my friends and find out their best places to meet new people.  Here are the results:

Best place to meet a girl/guy:

Brian: Book Club (find a bookstore with a monthly book club and read the book. Then you're having conversation in the group before you've officially met, which gives you a chance to get a feel for somebody.  Then usually they have snacks and drinks after so you can introduce yourself and you already have a conversation starter....I met a really good girlfriend that way!)

Heidi: Bars

Koffeman: At friends' house or birthday parties.

Benji: If I knew that, I wouldn't have to call and ask you out all the time..... But seriously, where do all the local high schoolers hang out?

Marissa: Online dating sites

Joe: House parties

Kevin: No fucking clue.  If I knew, I'd be there now.

Niki: The grocery store actually has proven an interesting place to have easy things to strike up a "no pressure" conversation.  There or pretty much anywhere there is a line.

Ray: I usually have the best luck with setups from friends.  Also, clubs...anywhere with lots of people and alcohol.

Lani: Setups and through friends...although in my younger days I used to meet guys at the ski hill.

Nancy: Home depot, 8 oz burger bar or Big Wangs
Kimberly: Wherever the guy works.  Think about it.  Every guy you come across, whose job somehow interacts with you, is a guy who is talking to you and open to a conversation with you.  I've been asked for dates by - my mechanics, my baristas, my co-workers, my grocers...anyone I've had to speak with in a business capacity.  As long as I've been open, friendly, and in a good mood, I'll often get asked out.

Craziest place where you have met a girl/guy:

Brian: Work

Heidi: Reality show premier party... I ended up dating one of the contestants.

Koffeman: I once picked up a girl on a tracking board.

Benji: My apartment...there was a short film shooting there, and I asked out one of the actresses.

Marissa: Reality show premiere party.

Joe: an airplane

Niki: Returning a car to Hertz - in said rental car with the guy who was about to wash it. Yeah. Probably wasn't the wisest choice, but it was an attempt at proving I wasn't a snob.

Lani: I have had guys stop me on the street and ask me out and had notes sent to me on airplanes and in restaurants.  But getting approached out-of-the-blue by a stranger, kind of freaks me out, so I haven't actually given my number to any of those people.

Nancy (aka my friend, the Pickup Artist): My apartment, I once picked up my cable guy.  And in other apartments, the plumber and the carpet layer.  I also got picked up in traffic.  Actually, I dated the bellboy from my hotel in London for a long time and I've been dating a guy I met on the subway in Spain.
Kimberly: Trader Joes.  "You know how if you bring your own bag, you get a ticket for their grocery raffle?  Well, one day, he handed me two tickets and said, 'After you fill out that one, if you want to go out sometime, fill the other one out for me."  He was cute, so I did!

At what point do you just walk out? - Dating Dilemma Thursday

Bad dates seem to be a dime a dozen these days.  I don't mean to sound cynical or incredibly jaded, but in all honesty, I think I'm currently batting one bad date a month on average.  The last one was with a friend of a friend, who kept asking me if I was uncomfortable around him, because I was crossing my arms: bad body language.  I explained it was a pinched nerve and it was the only comfortable position to hold my arm. Apparently, he didn't believe me as he asked me four times why I was giving off such mixed signals with my body language.  But that was minor, compared to the fact that he monopolized all the conversations, and spoke with anger and menace when talking about his family.  I have never been so happy to cut a date short, as this one was extremely awkward.  Surprisingly, it never occurred to me to walk out, I simply wanted to see how bad the date could get.  Which got me thinking, at what point does one actually walk out on a bad date?

Here are the results of a random Ichat poll: Under what circumstances have you walked out on a date?

NJ: "I walked out when a guy broke down and told me about his first suicide attempt.  Apparently he forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor he was planning to use.  Depressed AND Dumb!"

WB: "I have never walked out on a date.  However, I once dropped a girl off early, after she got really pissy about how the night was going."

RH: "I've never walked out on a date, but I should have.  There was a girl, who I went to pick up at her place, while I waited, she proceeded to ignore me as she flirted with her new male roommate.  When we finally got to dinner, she spent the whole time texting her roommate.  It was awful!"

BS: "I have never.  But if I were to walk out, the date would have to be just terrible, completely unbearable.  For instance, she would have to say something so racist that I couldn't even stand to look at her.  But if we rode together, I would still give her a ride home."

I guess, I should confess, I have only walked out on a date once.  It was a guy I had been dating for a few months, who announced, at my friend's birthday party, that he had spent the last weekend sleeping with another girl.  It took me a moment to internally debate the proper etiquette of how to best handle this situation.  But the night ended with me in my car, calling the boy who was still in the bar, and telling him, "I hope you have money for a taxi."  Then driving home, alone.  And puking from anxiety (I don't think that part was acceptable Emily Post protocol.)

Dating Dilemma

Over the last month, I've been fortunate enough, to have met two (2!) super awesome, smart, funny, charming, attractive men, who not only seemed to be interested in me, but whom I was actually interested.  And in both cases, when we got to the end of the evening and were about to part ways, instead of asking for my phone number, they asked if they could Facebook me.  Of course I give permission, but what does that mean?  Do they want to email me? Check out my photos?  See who our mutual friends are?  Build their friend bank?

Maybe I'm old school, but I really miss guys asking for my phone number.  Even though, it meant a small dose of anxiety as to whether or not they would call, at least a girl could tell if the guy was really into her within a week.  If he didn't call by then, clearly he wasn't planning on it.  So move on.

I asked my trusty boys what goes through the male mind when he says: "Can I Facebook you?"

Boy 1: Either a guy just want to add another pretty girl to his friend list or he's shy and wants to get to know more about you.  However if he likes you he will pursue you.

Boy 2: Some girls I Facebook and that's the limit of where I want it to go.  "I'll Facebook you" is a good way to cut it off if you're not that interested.  But if it was somebody I was clicking with, I would ask for her number and also Facebook her.  Unless, it's a girl who I think I will see again soon in a social situation. Then I will just wait to see how it goes the next time I see her.

Hmmm...looks like its back to the drawing board for me.  Although, I will most likely see both of the boys at social functions in the new year.  I guess I just have to see how it goes the next time we all hang out.

Dating Dilemma Thursday: Black Friday

Here is an interesting theory on dating, told to me by one of my favorite guys: "The cut off for going on a first date with a new person before the holidays is Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving).  If you haven't asked the person out by that point in time, you should wait until after New Years."
"Seriously?  Why set a limitation on when you can ask someone out?  Especially if they are a great person?"

He responded with a list of reasons, mainly that the holidays are such a busy time with parties, shopping, and catching up with family and friends, that its hard to focus on starting something new.  Plus the etiquette of whether or not to get a gift for the new person seems to be too much to focus on for this time of year.

Lucky for him, he was able to meet a nice girl the week of Thanksgiving, AND set up a date with her for Black Friday.  Perfect timing on his part.
In some ways, I am in agreement with him.  The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years seem to fly by in a blur.  Seriously, its already December 3rd?  My social calendar is almost completely booked until January 4, I've actually had to schedule time for shopping so I wouldn't stress myself out.  Of course, I always make time for my dearest friends, and if someone special came along, I would make time for him, too.  But beginning something new during the holidays is tricky and a teensy bit stressful.

Now, many of my girlfriends, and a few guy friends think this theory is completely off.  The reason being that "timing will always be wrong, if you allow it to be."  In other words, if you meet someone amazing, go for it.  Don't worry about something so little, as the time of year.    And who knows, you could be lucky like my friend Natasha, who was set up with her now husband, Judson, early in December.  If they had played by the Post Black Friday rule they might never have met.

What do you think?  Is there any reason not to start something new, post Black Friday?  Email your stories to me at: kikuejewels at gmail.com

Oh and my solution to gift giving for a 2-3 week long relationship is simply to gift a copy of your favorite book.  It's not expensive, it's not sentimental, but simply thoughtful.  Perfect!

Dating Dilemma Thursday

This week's dilemma was told to me by a dear friend over lunch the other day. Honestly, I thought she was kidding, but it's totally a true story:

"So I was staying at a hotel with a guy who'd been flirting with me over email for quite some time. Yes, we'd met before. Staying together in a hotel room, pretty much meant that I was open to 'sealing the deal' with him, if you know what I mean... Only thing is, once we got back to the room after a nice dinner, I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. And when I came out, he was wearing nothing but a leopard print 'banana hammock.' I had no idea how to react. So, I started laughing. I mean, was he serious? Well, I guess laughing wasn't kosher with him, because nothing happened the rest of the weekend. But how was I to know, that he thought he was being suave, sexy, and was totally serious?"

Wow! Where do we begin? Normally, laughter breaks any sort of tension and puts everyone in a better mood. But clearly, this guy was very serious about his undies (and clearly a tad insecure). I guess the only thing to do, is ask the guys: Are girls allowed to laugh at men who wear silly underwear and think they are being sexy?

Bachelor #1:
"Yeah, I can't believe anybody would do that sincerely thinking it would turn anyone on.
I guess, if a swarthy 60 year old italian man was letting you stay at his villa, then maybe he's being serious (about his undies). But that's the only time"
Bachelor #2:
"Under no circumstances should a girl laugh at a guy's underwear, especially if he's trying to be sexy. Guys are totally insecure, and laughing at them while they are almost totally naked makes them even more vulnerable. You have to look at the leopard print underwear, and imagine a little kid in his underoos...the kid thinks he's superman in those underwear. This guy thought leopard print made him look like 'sex on a stick.'
Bachelor #3:
"Hopefully, a dude wearing a leopard print hammock is doing it for the laugh. If he thinks its sexy then he deserves to be laughed at!"

So there you have it...2-1 Men in stupid underwear are fair game to laugh at. Of course, bachelor #2 had a great point, in that you should judge your audience before laughing at them... especially if they are in the state of being nearly nude.

Is it just drinks? Just dinner? Or is it a date?

Recently, I received this email from one of my best friends:

"Ok, so i didn't know if it was a date from the asking out stage due to the fact that boat boy and i are (were?!) friends and have done tons of stuff in groups and hung out just the 2 of us a few times. he left a vm saying, "comedian xxx will be playing the local theater in 3 weeks. let me know if you want to go, i'm getting tickets." yeah, totally vague and three weeks out?! it wasn't until i met him at the restaurant and realized it was just the two of us (and the fact that he actually did his hair) that it was a date. but never actually felt like a date the entire night. he didn't touch me once and not a single compliment! seriously, i should of showed up in my pajamas and with rumpled hair and no make-up...."

One of the most confusing social engagements for the modern girl is the casual meet up.  You meet someone through work, at a friend's birthday dinner, or on your kickball team.  You start chatting about movies, books, or travel and suddenly, you realize both of you have a lot in common.    But it all feels pretty platonic.  He asks if you want to grab a drink or dinner or catch a concert sometime.  Clearly, it must be a date.  But, yet it felt platonic.  How do you tell the difference?

Well, if you show up and he starts by mentioning his girlfriend, boyfriend, or wife it is immediately clear.  If only we could all be so lucky.  Usually, the conversation flows in the same manner it did when you first met, and there isn't always an opportunity to bring up relationship status.  So when you get to the end of evening, the question becomes to hug or to kiss?


I polled a couple of my favorite guys and asked for pointers on how you can tell if a meet up is platonic or a date.  Here's what they had to say:

If you (the girl) are about to have dinner with someone you've known for awhile and consider them to be a friend, but they want it to be something more here are some clues you should be on the lookout for before meeting up:

-Is the location a nicer place than where you typically meet up?
-Do you usually eat in groups but now its just the two of you?
-Do you usually meet at a location, but now you are carpooling?
-Is it spur of the moment or planned in advance?

Once you are in the midst of dinner or drinks, look for these clues:

-Is he/she dressed up more than usual?
-What is he/she ordering to drink?  Splitting a bottle of wine can seem romantic, where getting a pint of beer seems very buddy/buddy. (Of course this is subjective to the meal and where you are meeting.)
-What is he/she ordering to eat?  Are they ordering to impress the other party?

The big thing that both guys agree on is the conversation.  What is being said?  Is the girl being more flirty than usual?  Is he or she talking about people they are currently dating?  Or digging for clues about where you are at relationship-wise?

Now if a guy, who happens to be a friend AND super shy asks you to dinner, consider that he may be trying to show that he likes you.  It took a lot of guts for him even ask you out.  A lot of girls that I am friends with are very cynical about the shy guy, because they think, if a guy likes you...he's going to get over his nerves, fears, and shyness.  But the more I discuss this with the guys in my life, I have found that it really doesn't matter if you are a girl or a guy, insecurities and shyness make it difficult to express interest in someone you like.

So...if that shy guy makes the effort to ask you to drinks, dinner, or a movie, AND you like him, but aren't sure.  Give him a break, and make an effort to show that you like him too.

Here is what the shy guys suggest:

-Try to be slightly flirty (which doesn't mean rip off all your clothes and immediately jump into bed...have some control!)
-Touching their arm
-Laughing at their lame jokes
-Showing that you are interested (Duh!)

All of these tips seem pretty obvious.  But sometimes, its just plain hard to tell what the other person is thinking and you don't want to misjudge the situation.  In which case, the best thing to do is to just flat out ask, "Is this a date?"  I know its totally awkward, and honestly I tend more towards playing games, and creating "what if" scenarios in my head.  But if you want clarity... the direct approach is without a doubt the best way to go.

Thursdays are Dating Dilemma Day

Thursdays are Dating Dilemma Day...

My friends and I have spent a lot of time dating over the years.  Boys. Girls. Men. Women.  We've dated the entire spectrum of types and kinds, and a lucky few of us have even been fortunate enough to find some of the great ones out there.  But, still there are those of us who continue to strive ahead, wading thru the muck of bad dates, only to be blissfully rewarded with the good ones.  I think with all the stories of heartbreak and happiness I've heard there is enough material for a regular Thursday discussion about dating dilemmas.

So let's start off with an observation I recently made about guys who call girls to setup a date two weeks in advance, then fail to followup with any further communication or interaction.  Isn't the hardest part of asking a person out, the actual act of doing it?  Once you get a "yes", shouldn't you want reap your reward (and go on the date)?

Case in point:  I met a guy at a party a couple weeks ago.  We spoke briefly, but didn't exchange phone numbers at the end of the night.  He then spent the next 2 weeks, trying to track down my number through all of his friends.   Instead of calling immediately, he procrastinates another 2 weeks.  Finally, he calls to tell me that he'd like to take me out for drinks or dinner at some point during the following week, but he will call me early in the week to set it up.   He never calls.

I wish I could say this is the first time that has happened (its more like the fourth), or that he took another 2 weeks to call, as per his style, then we went out and had a great date.  But, that's not how it played.  He simply never called to follow up.

Plausible excuses or reason for why he didn't call:
-I'm boring on the phone.
-He met another girl over the weekend.
-He got into a horrible accident.
-He's not that in to me.  (Okay, well that's actually the truth if he isn't calling...but the point is that he was interested in me enough to spend the time tracking down my number via our mutual friends)

You see, I think the real issue behind guys who prematurely telephone to set something up, then lack follow-thru is that they then have too much time to think about the date, so much so that they begin to over think things.  Why else would they not follow through?

I asked a couple of guy friends for their perspective on the matter, and most of them responded by saying that if they didn't immediately set up a date during an initial phone call, their nerves may get the best of them and therefore would procrastinate on the 2nd phone call, until it was too late.  They also said that  the guys that aren't following through are not actually worth my time....and they are totally right.  I've moved on to the next guy.  But that's a story for another Thursday.

So what do you think?  Why do some guys completely fail to follow through?